this one get to be public - lack of detail , and maybe help others in similar boat .
kossai find that numbers do not really work well in brain to express distress and crisis , for various reasons . still , interest in this topic revive as some folks who follow talk about this , and ... well , can be useful for anyone .

so rather than numbers , what have in mind so far is to break down each potential area of distress - say for example , age regression , psychosis , etc - and come up with lists of questions to identify state of mind , things that usually help , things that usually do not help , signs that might need external support , and other things to be aware of .

to be honest , kossai do not really have memory barriers or loss . however , want to write these things as if kossai do . that means explain what these things feel like , why these things happen , and why given solutions might work or not work . would like to hope nothing will ever screw up brain that badly , but life can happen anyway - better to have something in advance and never need than to flounder during fallout .

like many other things , this is obsidian vault on computer . would be good idea to have smaller printout version at some point , but need to actually get basic version done first before worry about simplify . :P

little craft supply bundle arrive today , specially curate and package as slow stitch supply kit . to be honest , actually kind of get happy tears ! just feel very sweet and special , seller tie up and position things so delicately . wish think to take picture before unwrap everything , oops . will feel kind of hard to use some of these things , as is crafter eternal struggle , but also can not wait to make pretty stuff .

feel like special princess ~

in think about real time social groups , and why kossai struggle ...
things can move fast . really fast . already take kossai longer than anyone else to think of and write messages , even simple ones . this leave kossai with 2 choices .

first choice is to not push speed , to take as much time as necessary to formulate and word thoughts .
end result of this : everyone move on in conversation by time kossai can contribute , and have nothing more to say to contributions . in both real life scenarios and in games like vrchat , people can forget kossai was even there , and move on without even realise kossai get split off . so just feel like might as well not even be there , and ruin fun if stay .

second choice is to push speed , to say as much as possible , as quickly as possible - even if botch words , not explain well , or if answers very short .
end result of this : people punish kossai for social blunders , miscommunications , and lack of clarity that did not have time to think through - and also tend to assume short answers means not really care about conversations . but rarely do people even explain this much , just chalk this up to bad vibes or say idk just uncomfy without any explanation of why , or any grace and compassion for how these things only happen because literally force to rush , and remove from group .

in both cases also come across situations where kossai struggle more than usual - say for example , recent seizure , lack of sleep , etc - but still try really hard to participate , even if not fully coherent , and people laugh at kossai outright .

so , there is no win , and kossai give up on try those things . even struggle with non-group , non-real time things , but this is definitely where weakest , and where people give least kindness .

in think about my little pony connections , would probably suspect changelings ! um ... sort of ... and sort of not .

love general concepts , right up until thorax happen . like thorax is this special visionary , where changelings can just share love and be fine - no , better than fine ! just kind of hate that . like yes tyrannical queen and hivemind , whatever , but even show characterise during this episode that changelings all born inherently mean and spitty , and thorax was just super special exception . this kind of make weird later that not only do other changelings immediately cave when thorax demonstrate new form , but why no one before thorax seem to have this capability and yet now suddenly everyone do .

there is definitely stuff to criticise about concepts of hivemind vs individuality , and how lines can be blurry and weird and maybe not always useful to pit against one another , but others probably say that better .

so will instead turn attention to this idea that no one will love changelings unless look and behave just like ponies , which is problem when biologically need to feed off of love . have ability to shapeshift , but this is seen as cheat , thievery , and deception , which means methods to get there must be underhand - first characterise as evil just for biological needs , then force changelings to prove this perception right out of starvation and desperation . therefore , " reward " for selfless changelings who share love freely ... is to look and behave just like ponies . not for ponies to look at these weird buggy guys and extend hoof first , no ! changelings must change for ponies , in every scenario here - difference is just whether or not ponies consider to be evil .

also , visually think some of these guys suck . like understand in cartoon for kids will need named characters to be recognisable and merchandisable , but like , kind of ick ? especially colour palettes . absolutely can still make designs more in line with originals that look fun and unique , but guess not cute enough for toys or whatever , even if let changelings be different colours than just black . would much prefer if these new designs would be intentional disguises - something that changelings feel still need to take on in order to gain pony acceptance , but ultimately take toll on feelings because acceptance is conditional . ponies would come to realise how much this actually hurt and make efforts to get over discomfort .

that is version of changelings which kossai connect with . do like that thorax is able to form bonds and feed in moderation because of bonds , but think weird to be some first of kind visionary - changeling inability to form bonds should not be because of biology and apparent hivemind structure , but because ponies make assumptions because of these things . would also much prefer if metamorphosis was not this innate biological reward - changelings should get to look like changelings , and act like changelings , without ponies determine which is good and which is evil , which is ugly and which is pretty .

gee , wonder why faeries would think that . :P

good news , was able to reorganise sewing shelf and get some of those things more in line with each other !
... bad news , this come at cost of paper half-shelf , no longer any good place to put this bag of paper strips which plan to maybe eventually some day use for paper mache possibly perhaps eh . genuinely would love to , have projects that sorely need to finish , just unfortunately pain and time get in way .

might have to see if able to fudge contents from one of these sewing boxes somewhere else , and use that box for paper strips . which is hilarious and ironic , whole point of this mission was to try and separate these shelves better , and yet just not enough room for current amount of material ( which is not much ) to make that possible ... unless finally say goodbye to trash collector .

kossai very much enthusiast of reuse everything for something , see - consider reuse to be important aspect of appreciation , arts , and animism . yarn scraps and fabric crumbs get to be filler for projects , or collage decoration and pouches if big enough . clean plastic and paper trash is filler for paper mache projects , and paper strips also go towards those projects . but with how infrequently kossai can do these , maybe time to part ... bah .

maybe will try to put trash collector somewhere else for now , and think about actual choice another time .

crosspost from tumblr .
kossai do not really like to go on about opinions and concerns about rad-queers and trans-ids - simple fact is that have reasons to dislike and be wary , and make choice to block active community blogs which come into radar , and usually just leave at that .

but honestly do feel sorry for good amount of these folks - can see ways in which struggle , ways which try to cope . atypical dysphorias can be very real frustrations and not easy to deal with , not to mention how folks under stress and trauma might want to seek out more due to familiarity , to recontextualise and make trauma feel safe , or have revenge fantasies to enact on others .

and with all of that , often have genuine worry ? so many of these folks teens who already starve of proper social skills and affections , and some of behaviours which these communities encourage will further stunt - whether that is to ignore criticisms of behaviours and bigotry , to seek out " perfect match " in someone who will happily bully and abuse , or really any number of possibilities .

as well , some of these folks get so personal , and that is extremely hard to take back control . cliche as this is , this is why kossai recommend others go to private journals and documents before anything that touch internet - even if something is behind password , assume anything on internet to effectively be public . never know when data breaches or account hacks might strike .
and fact is that , unfortunately , live in world where people can use that information to bite back and hurt - whether deny future school or job opportunities , or cyberstalk and harass for personal entertainment .

there is also so much vitriol for rad-queers , often under assumption of just seek attention , not really try to observe or understand anyone in depth . so even those who want to leave might feel stuck , unable to find new friend groups and communities that will not reject specifically due to social shortcomings and unsavoury community history . that leave prime to either re-entry into these spaces , or other horrible communities and outright cults .

wish there could be any one , easy answer . but this is life - there never is . that said though , think vitriol is definitely not part of answer - still free to dislike and be wary , kossai would be hypocritical to say otherwise ! but try to dig in and understand why , and to be safe for those who really want to leave , relearn lost skills and become mindful of boundaries again . not everyone will , but be kind for those who do .

so glad to stumble on uncle frogface and koolkookykreatures , lovely little craft videos with some nice chatter . never actually done any needle felt before , would be afraid to mess up beautiful kit ! but honestly , these pebbles could turn out just as pretty , with nothing to really get wrong ... hehehe . maybe that will have to be project some day .